The memories of May 19th consume my thoughts. They invade every hour of every day. The normal things that fill our lives: family, friends, responsibilities, they are now random distractions from the thoughts that fill my mind.
They are angry thoughts - very angry thoughts.
Ephesians 4:26-27 When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin. Don’t let the sun set with anger in your heart or 27 give the devil room to work.
I would like to tell the world that I have lived up to Jesus' example. - I cannot. Sure, I may not have acted against someone sinfully. I am guilty of a multitude of ungodly thoughts and attitudes. Destroying my Christian witness is and remains my greatest fear. The degree of my anger, may not be evident. My actions may not bring shame upon Christ's name. But God knows what's in my heart. 1 John 3:19-20
Betrayal, it is an offense one must make the effort to get over. You may think, "Your husband shot you. That is a bit more than betrayal." I am well aware of what he did. I have not suppressed the memory. And contrary to the state's declaration, I have not "minimized" what happened seven years ago. I remember it as it actually happened. It was serious not slippery. It was bizarre not betrayal.
I needed time to heal both physically and emotionally. God in His infinite mercy healed my body in just a couple months. He restored my strength within a year. Emotional healing was instantaneous the moment I surrendered and accepted what I already knew to be true. My husband did, in fact, love and care about Austin and me. This truth became apparent when I ceased choking down the Kool-Aide that the authorities were serving me. I never drink the stuff again, neither metaphorical or otherwise.
Larry was broken, but he did not betray me. He is not a heartless murderer with no remorse and no concern for his family. Larry was spiritually broken and in grave danger of spiritual death. - As we all are, apart from Christ Jesus. He was deceived, and he was in bondage. He was blind to it, but I was not. I prayed for victory over the threat. I prayed for victory against an enemy hoping to destroy him and to destroy my faith that God had not forsaken us.
The fight has not been easy. The spiritual battle was won on May 4th. It was a fierce spiritual showdown in this physical world. It was not 'Larry' who wanted to end my life that day. It was the enemy who wanted me out of the way. His actions were not done knowingly nor purposefully. It was an unreasonable action from a meticulously reasoned person. I said then. I said it in court, and I've said it consistently as soon as the pain medications left were out of my system and my brain no longer in a fog.
Deception, like beverages com in many flavors. The flavor they served my family and me was Larry's betrayal. I choked it down because I thought it was my only choice. Peace returned the second I accepted what I knew to be true. I was no longer tormented when I chose to reject the Kool-Aide of deception and drank in what I know to be true. I trusted those serving their version of the truth. I convinced myself I must trust people I had before never met in my life.
I was not betrayed by the people I knew I could trust. I accepted the deceptive concoction from people and institutions I was taught, and believed, that I could trust. I now gag on the memories of the pretense of integrity, the disingenuous concern, and the self-righteous indignation.
Perspective determines the flavor of 'kool-aide' others choose to serve and that which we may choose to consume. I took a sip, but it tasted foul. I didn't consume enough to poison the truth.
Now, I must be cautious of my anger - that I don't allow it to betray me as well as my faith in The Truth.