"Why now?', was the question. Why are the tears falling so quickly today without a specific provocation? What turned on the faucet to release the liquid evidence of my hurting heart? That was the question.
The question I ask myself is, "How have I been so successful in the charade that presented as a person who is 'okay' with her life?" Of course, that is entirely the work of the Holy Spirit and the joy of that Spirit within me.
It is the greatest of all wonders that, somehow, while in the midst of living a life of lamentation, I can possess the joy of the Lord. I find it a marathon challenge to live this double, 'groundhog day' life - waking to another day of praising, thanking, and praying, then going on to live through another day followed by a cloud like Pigpen in a Snoopy episode. I go out into the world presenting as this 'strong' woman doing just fine, despite the loneliness and disappointment that eats away at my heart. And the indescribable anger at those who chose theory and personal agenda over evidence and truth.
Still, I can remain joyful - if not happy.
As I look in the mirror and see the torment in the reflection looking back at me, it's beyond my ability to understand how emotional anguish and a joyful heart can reside in the same body at the same time. And yet they do. Some (of the very few) who are close to me may believe they know 'how hard it must be' for me. But these shoes that I wear walking this rocky, briar-laden path aren't shoes you can look at on a shelf and know how they fit.
They are my shoes. The shoes are ugly and uncomfortable and hurt all the time. But the 'in-soul' in the shoes I wear walking through life cushion and support me on my journey. My joyful soul enables me to keep walking even though I am lonely, weary, hurting and incensed at the injustice of the briars I must walk over.
No one knows this daily internal struggle - because I don't tell them.
I am growing angrier with myself and my inability to share this the way I want to. My story is an unlikely one. I know God can be glorified through it, but I have to be faithful to share it. But I don't.
I'm angry at being patted on the head - patronized by those who 'know better.'' I'm angry at the injustice system. I'm hurt by and angry at the waste of my life.
I'm angry at myself for not managing to share my miserable yet incredible story despite wanting to do so. And knowing that is what I am supposed to do.
Maybe it's just a season of anger - at myself.
Even so, I will get up and joyfully go about my day.
Because...the joy of the Lord is my strength.